New HolidaysShow Video Details ↓ TheAmazingAtheist: Hi I'm TheAmazingAtheist, and I hate holidays. Well I don't hate holidays, I just hate the holidays that we have now. I think we need some better ones. So here's a list of my suggestions for some better fucking holidays. Now, here's the difference between my holidays and the holidays that exist now. Most holidays, as they exist now, they're not design to make anyone's life better. They're design to get you spend money or to momentarily distract you from how shitty your life is. My holidays are actually designed to improve the quality of your life. So, what's one of the biggest problems for most of us? Life is boring, life is fucking tedious, life is the same shit over and over again. So, how do we fix that? Simple. National lottery every year, January first the New Year begins. We all make New Years resolutions right? We're all like this year I'm going to change everything. So let's have a holiday that helps you along. We have a big national lottery and every name on the lottery thing gets paired with another name, you know? You and Bill Gates both come up. You get to switch lives, OK? You see what I'm saying? You are now the fucking guy with all the money and Bill Gates now has your shitty job working at McDonalds or whatever. You see? And this happens yearly. So, you're not just living the same life day in and day out. You're switching your shit up. You know? One day you're fucking John Becket, next day you're Sam Carson, next day you're Julia Lewis. I mean you're every fucking body. You know, after the first year chances are everyone working as a doctor or a lawyer would have no training in either of the things so it would make society a fuck of a lot more interesting. Now some cynics would say everything would collapse. And you know what I say to you cynics? So what? Shit ain't that great anyway. Let it fucking collapse. At least we'll have some fun in the ruins, right? Another new holiday idea to improve everyone's life. Fuck a two day. If you're a three you got a fucking two. If you're a four you got a fucking three, if you're five you got to fuck a four. You see what's I'm saying? And so on and so on down the line. You know, it's just a day where everyone can get like a little bit higher than what they're used to, you know? The only people who really get screwed on the deal are tens cause you know you're gonna have sex two times that day. One time is going to be with someone who's like a little bit below your standard and then other times it's someone whose a little bit out of your league. So, let's say you're a five. First you fuck the four, get that out of the way, but then you get to go fuck a six. So this is a great holiday. Getting to fuck of six if you're a five as well worth having to fuck a four right? But if you're a ten then you end up fucking a nine. So, to compensate you for having to fuck a nine the government will sent you a million dollars. It's a great holiday. We can have this every, say, February twentieth. That's my birthday. So, it would be good present. I get to fuck a one and a three on the same day. And then around April, that's tax season so everyone's got a whole bunch of stress, we have national fight day. And this is the day where it's legal to beat the shit out of anyone who fucks with you. If you got some enemy who you've been longing to kick the shit out of for a while now, you've been making threats like man as soon as fight day rolls around your ass is mine mother fucker. Then fight day rolls around, you go track that bitch down and pound his ass into oblivion. And if you do kill him on accident, you get a reduced prison term because it's on fight day so you have plausible deniability to say I didn't know he was such a wuss. I just punched him seventeen times in the face and, you know, fucking dead. [laughs] I don't know what to tell you man, I just meant to hurt him severely, I didn't mean to kill him. And the judge will be like OK you get six months community service something like that. Now thanksgiving I want to leave largely untouched because I'm a fat guy. But lets do this for thanksgiving. For one day everyone in America has to pretend that fat people are cool. Like man I wish I was fat like you. Oh, man I love your man tits dude, they're so beautiful or geeze man I was sexy like you. Just lie to us, you know? Just give us like one little day. Just like let us think we're living in an alternative reality where shit worked out good for us and we're like on the top of the heap. Thanksgiving slash fat pride day, you know? When it comes to Christmas, Christmas can also stay the same except for two minor changes. Number one, Christmas is only allowed to be on Christmas. No Christmas carols the very fucking second that thanksgiving is over. If you go into a mall or something and silver bells, silver bells, if that's playing in the mall you are legally allowed to burn that mall to the fucking ground cause that shit is obnoxious. Christmas is allowed to be on Christmas day, maybe Christmas eve, two days that's enough for you. And the other new rule about Christmas is this: You're not an asshole if you don't buy presents for somebody. If you don't buy them presents, it's because you're too broke or you're just didn't fucking feel like it, and that's fine. No one gets pissy. No one's like you didn't buy me a present. Anyone who does that you can legally shoot them in the face. I don't need a fucking present from you. If I want something I'll go to store and buy it myself. You want to get me a present? That's great I appreciate it. Don't expect the same from me cause chances are you ain't getting one unless you're like my favorite person in the world, chances are you ain't getting a present. But if I don't buy you a present, like you're my friend or something, and I don't get you a present don't be [noise] don't fucking care about me. It's like I probably don't. Go away. Oh yeah and Easter, that shit's gone. The stupid shit with the bunny and the fucking eggs. No one likes that shit. You're gone Easter. Easter you're cut. [inaudible] [inaudible] Good dance. Hi I'm the amazing atheist, why am I so over exposed? No. There we go. |